I had a pen pal recently ask me how I liked being a homemaker. Her actual question was "How are you handling being a stay-at-home mom?" My first thought was "Wow that term is quite literal". I am a stay-at-home- mom. We have one car that Jon takes to Boise everyday for work, I maybe get visitors once or twice a month, and have little to no adult interaction on a daily basis.
I had to be honest with myself. I am a struggling homemaker. Everyone who knows me, knows that I am an extrovert and that being around people is almost a life source for me. My passions in life included singing, playing piano and writing. But I also loved doing service, helping children and making friends. However, in the last two and a half years I have felt detached from all of that.
I use to be this fearless girl who could approach anyone with confidence. Now I find that going anywhere to meet anyone is a constant dread. The ability to socialize and be myself always made things easy for me when it came to making friends. But being at home for so long has diminished that. I can sit here and write a lovely post at what a wonderful mother I am, and that I am the center of morning walks with other moms, but I know that 's not true.
Mr Lee has noticed things getting stressful for me. He recalled an earlier Mrs Lee, the one who would compliment a waitress on her hair or eyes and make her whole night, the early Mrs Lee who was fierce and open. And after much prayer, we talked things through and decided that maybe it was time for him to stay home while he did school and for me to work.
So for the past three months I have been searching and applying for every and any job. Our big fear of me working was the judgement of family who felt that I should be home with the children. I can express my frustration on this matter. If anyone knew my heart, understood how much I love my children, they'd know that going to work would be hard on me. However, for my sanity's sake, and to save me from becoming a "shut in" (term used for someone so accustomed to staying indoors that he/she prefers little adult reaction and to be alone) we felt like working would be a good option.
I have yet to find a job. I even applied to where Jon is currently working but missed passing the assessment by one. As I left the building the secretary (whom I had been speaking with prior) asked if I made it. Instantly tears filled my eyes and I shook my head no as I made my way to our van. I could try again in 90 days, and in 90 days I will.
On my way home I kept praying to Heavenly Father, wondering why finding a job wasn't working out. We felt that this was His will. I know many of you are thinking other wise. Women are meant to stay home, meant to be in the house. But I am no ordinary woman. I have a lot to offer the world and I have many goals and dreams and I WILL make them all happen.
My mother is so loving and kind and tends to worry too much. She often talks to my younger siblings and tells them how she wishes I had listened to her all those years ago, or how she wishes Jon was done with school before we had kids so we could be living the life of my brother and his sweet wife. But that is not the plan God has for us. All my life I have lived through many rough trials and because of those trials I have come out stronger. I do not regret any decision I have ever made, I do not wish I could rewind my life and recreate moments.
Working for a little while as my hunk of a hubby goes to further his education will only benefit me as a woman, wife and mother. It will be one of those choices I will not regret. It will be a choice that changes my life for the better. Leaving my babies is a difficult choice, it wrings my heart. But I know they have a loving father and a loving Father in Heaven who will watch over them and care for them. I have three months to be home, maybe shorter if another opportunity arises and every moment I will be loving my family.
And to anyone who says "Woman! Do them dishes! Wash them bottles! Make that super!", don't worry about it. I will. But not until I retrieve the woman I once was.
I had to be honest with myself. I am a struggling homemaker. Everyone who knows me, knows that I am an extrovert and that being around people is almost a life source for me. My passions in life included singing, playing piano and writing. But I also loved doing service, helping children and making friends. However, in the last two and a half years I have felt detached from all of that.
I use to be this fearless girl who could approach anyone with confidence. Now I find that going anywhere to meet anyone is a constant dread. The ability to socialize and be myself always made things easy for me when it came to making friends. But being at home for so long has diminished that. I can sit here and write a lovely post at what a wonderful mother I am, and that I am the center of morning walks with other moms, but I know that 's not true.
Mr Lee has noticed things getting stressful for me. He recalled an earlier Mrs Lee, the one who would compliment a waitress on her hair or eyes and make her whole night, the early Mrs Lee who was fierce and open. And after much prayer, we talked things through and decided that maybe it was time for him to stay home while he did school and for me to work.
So for the past three months I have been searching and applying for every and any job. Our big fear of me working was the judgement of family who felt that I should be home with the children. I can express my frustration on this matter. If anyone knew my heart, understood how much I love my children, they'd know that going to work would be hard on me. However, for my sanity's sake, and to save me from becoming a "shut in" (term used for someone so accustomed to staying indoors that he/she prefers little adult reaction and to be alone) we felt like working would be a good option.
I have yet to find a job. I even applied to where Jon is currently working but missed passing the assessment by one. As I left the building the secretary (whom I had been speaking with prior) asked if I made it. Instantly tears filled my eyes and I shook my head no as I made my way to our van. I could try again in 90 days, and in 90 days I will.
On my way home I kept praying to Heavenly Father, wondering why finding a job wasn't working out. We felt that this was His will. I know many of you are thinking other wise. Women are meant to stay home, meant to be in the house. But I am no ordinary woman. I have a lot to offer the world and I have many goals and dreams and I WILL make them all happen.
My mother is so loving and kind and tends to worry too much. She often talks to my younger siblings and tells them how she wishes I had listened to her all those years ago, or how she wishes Jon was done with school before we had kids so we could be living the life of my brother and his sweet wife. But that is not the plan God has for us. All my life I have lived through many rough trials and because of those trials I have come out stronger. I do not regret any decision I have ever made, I do not wish I could rewind my life and recreate moments.
Working for a little while as my hunk of a hubby goes to further his education will only benefit me as a woman, wife and mother. It will be one of those choices I will not regret. It will be a choice that changes my life for the better. Leaving my babies is a difficult choice, it wrings my heart. But I know they have a loving father and a loving Father in Heaven who will watch over them and care for them. I have three months to be home, maybe shorter if another opportunity arises and every moment I will be loving my family.
And to anyone who says "Woman! Do them dishes! Wash them bottles! Make that super!", don't worry about it. I will. But not until I retrieve the woman I once was.
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