My Itty Bitty Babies

So Sweet! I could just eat him up!

It's her party... and boy did she ever cry! 

Both my children have these lushes lips and lashes... a gift from daddy,
not my traits at all! :) 

Someone played a little too hard!

A perfect gift from Grandma Johnson!

Just an Itty Bitty Update !

I figure I best update my blog before I get a good chewin’ out from friends. Last night Jonny and I had Abigail’s big family b-day party… oh happy day. It just so happened that Abby decided that she was not going to nap ALL stinkin day and try to sleep at the boisterous, fun party… needless to say she was not a happy camper. It’s a good think her ADORABLE! cousins were more than willing to blow out her candle and open her gifts J  I learned a few things about my daughter that night: Uno, she DoEs Not LiKe VaNillA Ice cream (what a good girl)! Two, she is not a partier (this will come in handy when she’s in high school), and Tres she’s the most adorable grumpy baby in the whole world! Okay, so I guess I already knew that one, but it never gets old bragging about my children!

I notice that I make it seem that motherhood is a piece of cake for this mama. Yes, my children are perfectly content to play on their own, sleep the day away, and cuddle up to me (which makes all the bad melt away) but ya know, sometimes they give me a run for my money. Hard to believe huh?

For example, Abigail has decided that every time Bronco needs to eat or be held, she wants those things also. This morning, after her breakfast (a hearty bowl oatmeal, 8oz of milk, and a mum mum) Bronco was ready for some yummy milk. Dear Abby was absolutely set on eating too. So, I gave her some more food to eat… and I think her little tummy ache may have taught her a lesson. We’ll see soon enough. Oh and did I mention I was up at 4:30 this morning? I’m positive I even beat the morning rooster. 

Maybe the kids will nap and I’ll get some sleep! Yeah, right! I can dream can’t I? 

Thank You God

Thank You God

Thank you God for all the times you did not answer my prayers. Like that one time, in high school I prayed you would make my parents let me go to that party, and they said no. I was angry with you. But the next day I found out there had been lots of drinking and the cops were called. Or when I lost my first love at BYU-I and I prayed so hard we'd be reunited and we never were. My heart broke into a million pieces, and I was angry with you. But later that month I met the man who is now my best friend, lover, husband and father of my beautiful children. Thank you for sending my angel daughter who is blind. I prayed to you to give her sight, but you did not and I was angry at you. But through her blindness I have truly learned to see. Thank you. 

Thank you God for letting me make wrong choices. Remember that summer I went to my brother's house to work for the day? I learned that I couldn't hold my alcohol very well and remembered why I resented Lena Dodds so much. Thank you for letting me listen to my parents and abandon my best friend Shelby. Because of that I gained some great new friends and grew even closer to the one I lost. Or letting me date Ryan Updaul and go a little wild. After dating him, I knew exactly what I wanted in a future love and still, to this day, I appreciate the heart break. Thanks for standing by when I made every stupid, ill thought out decision in my life. Because of those mistakes I have the knowledge to do right by myself and family now. Thank you.

Thank you God for giving me, your infant daughter, to a broken and horrid home. I am grateful for all the nights spent sleeping on the cold floor of a tent, or in the back seat of a car. Thank you for the many nights slept in a one person hotel room with my 7 brothers and sisters, Lena and her abusive boy friend. Because of those nights, my family will always have a home, warm beds and a father to protect them. Thank you for the times John Sr beat me mentally and psychically. I made sure that my children would have the most loving and gracious father in the world... and they do. Thanks for the drugged up mother who allowed her men friends to take away my precious, sweet little girl innocence. Now I can spot an evil man just by looking into his eyes, and will be able to protect my babies. Thank you for the nightmare that was my past, because now my present is a dream come true and my future is a bright and shining star. 

Truly, from the bottom of my heart, 

Thank you God, thank you

The Tale of Two Births

I cannot even begin to tell you how I feel at this very moment. I am at such a happy place in my life that I can hardly find the words to describe my feelings.  Two days ago, Saturday October 23^rd, at 5:52 am my baby boy, Bronco Allan-Bryant Lee, was born. After almost nine months of waiting he came to this Earth to be with his father and sister, Abigail Cindy Lee.

Abby was born November 29^th, 2009 at 4:44 am.  I remember feeling so anxious for her arrival. I had been married to Jonathan for two and a half months before I became pregnant with Abby.  We were both overjoyed to start our family, even though it happened so soon. Were we scared? Most definitely. We were still newlyweds, getting to know one another and trying to find our place in the world. Needless to say we were not prepared for the change about to take place in our lives.

When we first got married and moved into our little one bedroom apartment we were a fairy tale couple. Jon went to work and came home to his house clean, a hot dinner on the table and I dressed up with my hair and makeup meticulously done. I was his June Cleaver and he was my Prince Charming. So our lives went for a couple months until a little pink plus sign changed everything.

As soon as we found out I was expecting our first baby the “morning” sickness kicked in. It lasted all morning, day and well into the evening, often times waking me up. Jon came home from work and was shocked to see the dishes from breakfast and lunch still in the sink, the laundry still in the hamper and the bed unmade. His biggest shock was his June Cleaver, still in her jammies, hair array, no makeup on, and hunched over the toilet vomiting and crying.  LeAndra had been taken over by an emotional, exhausted, over sensitive, puking beast of hormones. And Jonathan, bless his heart, remained my Prince Charming.

Whenever I had to make a trip to empty my stomach he was right there holding my hair and rubbing my back. If I woke up at 2 A.M. and craved brownies he’d get up and bake a batch for me. After a long day at work Jon would come home, do the dishes clean the house and then give me a long foot rub. And when I was too tired to watch a movie with him, instead of me going to bed and him staying up, Jon would run me a bath and then we’d both go to bed and talk until we fell asleep. He was exactly what the doctor ordered!

Thus was our life up until the dad Abigail was born. My water broke the Saturday after Thanksgiving at Jonathan’s aunt’s home. His mother picked me up and took me to the hospital where they kept me, waiting for contractions to begin. When they would not my nurse started me on pit until I was overcome with violent contractions. Each contraction measured from 10-12 with only 5 seconds in between each. Jonathan arrived four hours after I had been admitted and I was in tears of pain and confusion. He gripped my hand and stroked my hair but nothing seemed to calm me. I called for an epidural.

The epidural was a painful experience. My contractions were so close together that they had to insert the line while I was contracting. After the epidural the pain only subsided for thirty minutes or so. And then I had all feeling again. Something had gone wrong.  Abby wasn’t descending the pelvis and so she had to be suctioned out by a vacuum. Enormous amounts of pain were radiating throughout my entire body. Doctor Shappard kept asking the nurse why I was feeling so much pain. He was just as confused as I was. The nurse checked the drip line for the epidural and it was completely empty. My back was sucking in air. A nurse hurried and added more.

I looked around and saw several nurses at my bedside watching Abby’s heart rate drop with every push. I suddenly felt the walls closing in around me and was close to giving up. Doctor Shappard informed me that I was having a bowel movement and that was all I needed to give the final push that would bring Abigail in the world. I knew if I was having a bowel movement that I was pushing right and one more push like that would do the trick.  I tore and had to have stitches and could not eat or sleep at the hospital. I still felt closed in and uncomfortable. My baby girl was finally with me and all I wanted to do was go home with my family.

At home I spent the first two weeks sleeping on the couch and Jon on the floor. My back was so messed up from the epidural I had to sleep sitting up. I lay on the couch night after night crying and swearing to Jonathan we were not having another child… ever. Well, two months after Abigail’s birth I was pregnant yet again.

When I realized my period was three weeks late we bought four pregnancy tests and each one came out positive.  I cried and cried for two weeks before we saw the doctor. How could this happen to me? I was furious. I was not ready for another baby. I prayed every night to understand what Heavenly Father was thinking. I became depressed and felt more alone than I had ever felt. Why? That was the big question I kept asking myself. How was I going to accomplish this great task?

Well, all my concerns and frustrations soon would leave me. After Abby turned four months old we discovered that she was blind, 100% in darkness. I quickly realized why Heavenly Father had sent the sweet spirit growing inside my womb. Bronco would be Abigail’s best friend and protector. Instantly I felt humbled and repented for my anger towards God. He always has a plan and like my mother-in-law is constantly telling me; hindsight is 20/20.

The pregnancy went smooth. I wasn’t nauseas nearly as bad as I was my first pregnancy. My energy level was way down and each day I felt unprepared to be a mother of two. My third trimester rounded the corner and all the horrible memories of my first delivery came rushing back. I was scared of a repeat. Plus with having two children I could not afford a lengthy recovery. Depression came next and I earnestly prayed to my Father in Heaven every second of every day. I prayed that I would have the strength to do this and that I would be blessed with the knowledge to know what to do and have a speedy recovery.

Friday, October 15^th at 5:00 P.M contractions started and I had a huge hormonal surge. I was 36 weeks and five days pregnant. Not quite full term. I was doing fine on my own until the contractions suddenly became stronger and closer together. I called my doctor and my doula. Both were preparing for me to have Bronco that night. I called Jonathan and he quickly came home. After he’d been home about two hours the contractions just stopped. We were both frustrated because Jon could not afford to lose work for unnecessary reasons and my false labor became one. This routine continued all weekend and all week. Thursday night, October 21^st contractions came on strong (now a routine). I ignored them for awhile until they caused me to vomit.

Jonathan was getting of work early that night because his company was installing a new computer system. We both thought this was the real deal. However, we were let down once again. I cried hard that night and told Jon I didn’t know how much more of this I could take. We both were feeling the pressure and once again I pleaded, in tears, to Heavenly Father to give me strength.

I woke, Friday morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed. I was having very soft and subtle contractions that I thought were Braxton hicks. We left the house at 9:00 am to go walk to Boise mall. We walked it until 1:30 and by then I noticed my contractions had gotten stronger and were lasting longer. We got home and they had stopped once again. Jonathan was stressed because he could not miss any work this next week and on. An overwhelming sense of peace came over me and I assured my dear husband everything would be well. I retired to our bedroom for a nap and had slept for a good four hours. When I woke it was 8:30 pm and we plopped in a movie. Afterwards we put Abigail to bed. And at 11:30 pm, when Jon came from rocking Abby I was fast asleep on the couch.

I

 was awakened by sharp pains radiating my entire body. It was 1:30 am and I told Jon I needed to get in a hot bath. Jon ran my bath and I immersed myself allowing the water to sooth the painful and long contractions. This went on until 2:30 am. I called my doctor but Jonathan had to speak for me because my contractions were so strong and coming one right after the other. After describing all the details (which I will spare you), Doctor Shappard assured us that this was the real thing. We called Jonathan’s mother and informed her we were on our way to bring Abby and by morning she would have a new grandson. I called my mother to let her know I was going to the delivery room.

Of all nights, this was the night the freeway was closed from our exit all the way to Jon’s mother’s exit. So we had to take lengthy detour with lots of stops and slow go(s). I was amazed at how well I was handling the pain (at this time it took all I had not to push). It felt as if someone was starting to take over the job for me. We finally arrived at his mother’s and Jon rushed Abby in and we sped off to the hospital.

When we arrived at it was 4:00 am. Right away I noticed the delivery room was large and very comforting. My last room was small and crowded. I changed into the gown and paced the floor through my contractions. At this point they were three minutes apart lasting a minute each. I still felt an overwhelming feeling of peace and control. There was someone guiding me through this since I woke at 1:30 with pain shaking my body. And as time got closer that person became stronger and I was able to relax.

My plan was to go natural, my last epidural did not work out and I had suffered immense amount of unnecessary pain. However, at 4:30 when Nurse Meaghan asked me if I wanted one, I felt the spirit very strongly tell me to get an epidural. I looked at Jonathan and he was just as surprised as I was when I told the nurse yes. The anesthesiologist came in and explained everything to me. He was very soft spoken and warm. Even as he described to me all the horrible things that could go wrong, I felt as if I were floating on a cloud of peace.  Finally at 5:00 am my blood work came back and I was all clear for the epidural.

He was very patient and waited between my contractions. I prayed to Heavenly Father to let them stop long enough for the epidural to be placed. And instantly my contractions stopped. The anesthesiologist was able to insert the epidural and give me the first dosage. He told me that it would only last about an hour and a half. And if the labor should go longer he’d give me more.

 I laid back down and when it all had taken affect and my doctor came in I was fully dilated and he wanted to do a couple practice pushes. As I started my first push a power came over me that can only be described as divine. My heart knew exactly what to do and the spirit took over. At this time it was 5:30 am. I pushed through two contractions and my doctor looked up and said I was ready for the real thing.

It was 5:45 am and I had a lip in my cervix. He let me go through two more contractions so it would open up. Then we started to push. I pushed once and Doctor Shappard saw hair, I pushed a second time and he saw Bronco’s little head. I pushed a third time and my baby boy was here. I pushed for 15 minutes and my boy was born. I felt no pain throughout the whole thing.

We were taken to our recovery room two hours later and I still felt wonderful, physically and spiritually. I had absolutely no tearing and was able to walk with no problem. We slept well the first night and on Sunday the nurse came in and when I saw here I got right up out of bed, walked to the bathroom came back and talked to her as she checked my vitals. She joked and casually asked if I really had just had a baby. I told her yes but I didn’t have to do very much work.

We came home Monday, October 25^th and I was full of life and energy. I made lunch, cleaned our bathroom and visited with my mother-in-law. She watched the babies while I took a quick nap. After she left I did some more straightening up and then played with my two children. I thanked Heavenly Father for answering my prayer and in the way that He did.

Bronco Allan-Bryant Lee was born October 23^rd, 5:52 am 2010. He weighed 7lbs 6oz, measured 20 inches long and his APGAR scores were 9/9, the highest possible. He was perfect all around. Heavenly Father did indeed answer my prayers. I never imagined that he would completely take away the pain and make me stronger after birth. The atonement is such a powerful and wonderful gift. Christ truly understands what each of us is going through and clearly, when we do our part he’ll lift us up and carry us through our toughest times. I know my Father loves me and this weekend He manifested it plainly to me. And now, as I finish this entry, and look at my beautiful children and endearing husband I see again another testament of his love.

Dear LeAndra… Where are you hiding?

 

The font I am typing with is called elephant. Why do I find this important to say? Because I feel like an elephant! I'm 194 pounds with rolls on my back and underarms that could take flight should I fall from a three story building! Am I over exaggerating? Most definitely yes! Well… not about the actual number I weigh (I wish that weren't true) but the wing arms, yes! When Jonathan and I first met I weighed 135 lbs and looked great in anything and everything! J

I gained some honeymoon weight… 10 pounds and when I got pregnant with Abigail I weighed 145 lbs. Not too shabby. After she was born I weighed in at 188 and by the time I went in for my six week visit I weighed 165 lbs! So I had lost 23 lbs. J Then the unthinkable happened…

Jon and I were playing scrabble and without skipping a beat he asked me (mind you this came out of nowhere) "How long has it been since your last cycle"?

Instantly my jaw dropped. It dropped for two reasons; 1) I was three weeks past my period and 2) I totally forgot I had those! Being pregnant for so long and not having one it's hard to get back into that groove and to remember. I took a few or four pregnancy tests and sure enough I was "with child". Was I happy? No. I cried… ate… cried… ate… cried and so went my life for three weeks. We went into my doctor and when I stood on that scale a second time I weighed 175! I had gained 10 pounds! And ever since then it has gone downhill.

I realized though that during my pregnancy with Abby I was face down in the toiled 22 hours a day, everyday (so it seemed). And with my little Bronco I've only thrown up a few times but have otherwise been feeling well, have a voracious appetite for everything fatty and greasy and have also been too tired to workout often.

When I look at my wedding pictures and then go to the mirror I see before me a foreign object covering up the woman I really am. Sometimes I pull back the fat on my neck and face until I see the old me and stealing a line from Hook say "There you are Pan!" My dear husband swears up and down that he loves every inch of me and doesn't even notice the "twin" growing on me. When I'm feeling down, his words are comforting but most times, when I'm in my emotional frenzy, I accuse him of "just saying it" because he has too. Now, is that really too far from the truth? J

As many times I look despairingly at my disfigured and oblong shaped body and feel awkward and fat, I also feel beautiful and miraculous! I am growing within my body a child of God. And when I have those moments, my stretch marks become labors of love, my love handles become support beams for my growing belly and my fat rolls become cushions to protect Bronco if I should fall. My saggy bottom is a cushion for me when I am sitting and my flabby underarms are extra fluff for the first day I hold my baby boy in my arms!

I know that all these discouraging body changes are only a small part of what I have to go through to really appreciate my body after the baby. And with a loving and ambitious husband we can whip me back into shape in no time. For now, when I am getting ready for the day and my hair falls out and each step sends an earthquake through my little apartment… I'll try to remember that my body is a working on a miracle and the worse I look and feel means the better he'll look and feel when he is born! If only thinking that worked 100% of the time! J

Maternity Photo Shoot

New Adventures and so Much MORE!

 

Things have been pretty darn crazy around here! Jon lost his job about
10 weeks
ago and we've been trying super hard to make ends meet and to find new work for either of us.
The problem with me looking for work is I seem to have stamp across my forehead that screams "MATERNITY LEAVE!"
and have been deemed
"unacceptable".

At first his extra time off from work was great! I was able to get over a cold that had been going on two months long and get some well needed rest due to Abigail's strenuous new sleeping schedule. Jonathan and I really seemed to reconnect again after him having been gone so much. However, as our funds ran low and the bills began to pile up it seemed the strain in our bank account stretched as far as our relationship. We were getting in petty little arguments two or three times a day over ridiculous things. Not to mention my pregnancy hormones decided to skyrocket as soon as I hit 28 weeks!! With our new circumstances the thought of having another baby soon, was weighing heavily on my mind. I kept asking myself a million questions a day and mumbling frustrated comments. Such as; "HOW ON EARTH ARE WE GOING TO AFFORD THIS?" and "BIRTH CONTROL MY BUTT!" What had been an unexpected blessing had turned into a heavy burden.

I recall praying to Heavenly Father one night and in my frustration asking Him why we had to go through this and right now of all times?! We are preparing for baby number two (in which He insisted on us havingJ), we are trying to save up so we could afford to move when our lease was up and prepare Jon for school. I just could not understand why all this was happening now.

For the last two months our bishop has covered our rent, my mother in-law has randomly dropped by food and diapers for Abigail. Heaven bless her. Both of my in-laws were paying for our gas so Jon could continue to job hunt. When our phones were shut off because we could not pay the bill Jon's parents paid the bill in exchange for lawn mowing for one month. Jon's grandfather, instead of hiring a professional, is paying Jonathan to touch up the trim around his home. And his grandmother makes us dinner twice a month so we won't have to use our money to do so. All the love and support has been overwhelming. We have wonderful supportive friends and family. And it's made this trail all the more bearable.

At times it has felt as if we'd never get through this. But Heavenly Father has not forgotten us and he showed us that two weeks ago. Jon was planning on attending school in January at College of Western Idaho and graduating by summer of 2012. However, after filling out his financial aid and seeing what other grants he'd receive, we decided that maybe going to school this fall would be the solution to our problems. Jon finished all necessary paper work and sent everything off to CWI for this coming fall semester. Sure enough he got his award and it was more than enough to pay for school for three semesters and provide the funds we needed to afford rent while going to school! This would aid Jonathan in his fear of having to work full time and go to school full time. He wasn't sure if he could handle both and thank HEAVENS he doesn't have too!

On top of that, he had registered at a temp agency and has been offered a full time temp job for the week! With the money he's earning painting his grandfather's trim, donating plasma, and doing this job we'll be able to afford our big move at the end of the month! However, even after all of this I was lying awake one night with concern crinkling my brow. We're having a baby in two months, how are we going to clothe and diaper him?! I talked with Jonathan about my concerns and we both decided that Heavenly Father would provide. Sure enough, a few days later my sister Kailee calls me out of the blue.

Without beating around the bush or anything she flat out asked me if I wanted a baby shower for our little Bronco. I immediately looked up and silently thanked Heavenly Father as I told her YES I WOULD!!! I have always been told by my mom that you only get one baby shower, but in special circumstances I don't think that is an issue. I emailed Kailee afterwards and told her about my previous concerns and prayers and thanked her for asking. I felt so at peace!

So, after almost three months of stress, fights, tears and worrying, everything just fell into place. I went to bed last night and for the first time instead of all the before said keeping me up it was our little boy's constant movement and rib crushing kicks that kept me alert. And every time I felt him stir or try to break my back I smiled wide because I felt ready for him for the first time in moths!

We owe all of our blessings to Heavenly Father and to the angels He had working for Him. I guessthis goes to show you that no matter how bleak things may be there's always sunshine waiting to break through and brighten up your life. J

Letter to Abby

Dear Bug (Abigail),

The day your father and I found out you were blind we were crushed…I was lost.  I couldn’t imagine a world without sight, a world in total darkness.  I love the light. I love the setting sun, the rising moon, I love the soft candle light glow on a birthday cake; all these things bring me joy and happiness.  I did not want to believe that you’d never, in this life time, get to experience these beautiful things.  I cannot tell you how many nights I’ve cried in prayer trying to understand why this has happened to you.  The warm smile on your face brings so much joy to my heart and it breaks it all the more, knowing you don’t see the same smile on my face.

Words to describe how I feel on a daily basis would be; anger, happiness, sadness, joy, exhaustion, disbelief and faithful. However, the word to tell you best how I feel is love. Abigail, I love you so much. You are such a beautiful and wonderful baby girl. You are always smiling and talking, I like to think you’re imagining what your father and I look like and you are picturing us as angels.  It is only when you’re laughing for no reason; I begin to think you might be seeing us as funny looking clowns or make believe creatures.  You are truly a sweet little girl.

I just want you to know, Abigail, that Heavenly Father does not make mistakes. Your blindness and what other problems may arise are how you’re meant to be. He knows what you can handle and if you could not rise above this challenge, He’d not have sent you to us this way. You have a purpose honey, whether it’s to touch peoples’ lives, or to be a tool for a miracle, He has a plan for you.  Even now, as I feel your little brother kicking and squirming in my womb, I know that you’ll be the perfect big sister for years to come.

This world is such a glorious place to look at, but you’re going to have such an advantage over those of us with sight. You’ll enjoy things we take for granted such as taste, smell and touch.  Now, as an infant, the smell of my perfume causes you to nestle deep into my arms for comfort; the touch of your father’s five o’clock shadow lets you know he’s there and brings a smile to your face and the sounds of our voices rock you to sleep. You are definitely not what we imagined you would be like. No, my sweet daughter, you are so much more. You are a tender and sweet spirit sent to love and to teach us, your young mother and father, things we would never have learned without you in our lives. 

Abigail, I promise to be your eyes for as long as needed.  I’ll be there to capture every moment for you and to describe in best detail how everything looks. However, you will have to learn and it will be hard. I pray that you’ll overcome this trial in your life and that you will learn to use it for good. I hope that you will not always depend on me to be your eyes and that you will do your best to live in this world and go to college and have a family. Your life is only going to be as normal as you choose it to be.

I know it will be years down the road before you read this letter and fully understand it. Hopefully it’ll fill you with hope, joy and ambition.  I pray for a miracle… that maybe, just maybe one day you’ll see. However, for now, you are miracle enough for me. I love you with all my heart and my only wish right now is that you’ll always know how much I love you.

Love,

Mom

A Miracle 

When Abigail was born my heart was filled with such joy, and so many other feelings that can only be summed up with two words… Unconditional Love!  

When I fell in love with Jonathan, I couldn’t believe I had such strong feelings for him, and I was sure I could never love anyone as much. Then almost a year after we were married our angel Abigail Cindy Lee came into this world. Her eyelashes were long and beautiful…and her toes and fingers were delicate and soft and well she was perfect! She IS perfect! 

Every day since she was born, my little Abby has been a shining light in my life. On the worst of days it only takes her smile and the light in her eyes to cheer me up, and on my best days she’s the icing on the cake.

At three months I noticed she never seemed to be looking at anything or anyone. My mother was concerned for Abigail and kept asking me if I noticed something was wrong. Abby was born three weeks early and so I assumed she’d catch up. However, as I read and researched more about infant eye development, I learned that she should have been able to at least see in front of her from four weeks and on. I began to worry, but prayed that things would change by her four month check up.

When the time came our doctor evaluated her and as always was impressed with her rapid growth and bubbly personality.  I mentioned to him our concern for her eyes and he suggested we go see an eye doctor. A couple weeks later I received a phone call saying Abigail’s appointment would be for May 16^th. At the end of April she was officially five months and I began to see that not only was she not seeing my husband and me, she wasn’t even reacting to light. I called and called the eye doctors to try and reschedule for an earlier date. I was told over and over again that they were booked and it wasn’t going to happen. 

Well, God must have heard my prayers because we were put on the cancellation list and were the only ones on the list. So when someone cancelled their appointment we got bumped up to May 7^th. 

We had one week until her visit and each and every day a still small voice would tell my heart that Abigail was blind.  I would ignore it, but would eventually find myself in tears when my husband walked through the door. He kept reassuring me that nothing serious would be found. But in my heart I knew that was not true. 

The morning of May 7^th, 2010 came and we anxiously prepared ourselves for the appointment. We got Abby dressed and her diaper bag packed, and we packed our hearts and souls with faith and prayers.

The wait was not too long and Abigail was asleep for most of the initial check up with the nurse. The doctor finally came after what seemed an endless wait. She had me sit in a huge chair and hold Abby as she made noise and tried to get her to follow a toy. Then the doc shined a bright light in Abs’ eyes and as I watched, what I saw confirmed what I felt. Her eyes wouldn’t even blink and her pupils did not even dilate in the slightest. I knew my little angel girl was blind.

Some eye drops were put in her eyes, so her optic nerves could be seen. We had to wait thirty minutes for the drops to take effect and dilate her pupils. Once we went back the doctor looked deep past Abby’s ocean blue eyes as if she was searching for buried treasure. Dr. Kathy sat back in her chair sighed, then started to scribble like mad on her chart. I looked at Jon, who was looking at me with that same look which seemed to say “Oh no”. After a few silent moments the doctor told us that Abigail’s optic nerves were ten times smaller than usual. She called it Optic Nerve Hypoplasia and that it would be a struggle for the rest of Abby’s life.

I was shocked at the lack of information she was giving us. This woman did not want to be the bearer of bad news. Jon pressed her with questions over and over again to try and understand what ONH was and if Abigail could see. After ten minutes of drilling Dr. Kathy we discovered that Abs was blind and that there was little chance of her gaining any sight. 

Shock set in and acted as an umbrella, preventing any tears from touching me. We were also told that several other problems could come along with ONH and that Abigail would need an MRI to scan her brain. I felt certain that the MRI would come back perfect. After all, aside from not seeing, our daughter was bright and bubbly.

It only took two weeks for the MRI to be scheduled. We had to be at St Luke’s Boise at 9:00am sharp. We got there at 8:30am. After registration we were taken to the sedation area for children. There Abs’ vitals were checked and she was evaluated by a doctor. 

All the nurses loved her! The kept commenting on how beautiful she is and what a happy baby she is. Lying on the hospital bed and in her little hospital gown, I saw for the first time that my baby was not a newborn anymore. The nurses smiled as they rubbed special “numbing” cream on Abby’s hands and feet so they could thread a needle in for fluids and the sedative.

The cream had to sit for thirty minutes for it to take effect. It stayed on for about forty-five minutes.

 Jonathan and two nurses held Abigail down as the RN prepared to thread the needle and line. Abs laid there smiling as if they were playing with her. Once he RN stuck Abby’s foot, Abs began to scream and tears flooded her face, running down her little neck. My heart broke and it took all I had to not tell them to stop. The needle wasn’t going through so they had to go for her hand. I left the room but as I heard her cry I had to go back in and be there for my baby. I rubbed her head and sang to her as the nurse tried a second time to thread the line in my daughter’s little vein. Finally it went through and the worst was over.

After Nurse Danny strapped Abigail’s hand to a pillow and secured the line, I picked my baby up and held her close to me. I sang her favorite songs, and caressed her wet cheeks, until she fell asleep, pressed warmly to my chest. Danny came back in and said that MRI was ready for us, and commented at how much of an angel Abs was sleeping in my lap. We laid her on the hospital bed and Jonathan and I walked hand in hand down to the MRI area. 

We followed the nurse into a room where we watched her give Abigail the sedative. I saw in my husband’s eyes a deep love and concern for his daughter, his little bugaboo. The MRI team came in and said it was time to take her and that Jon and I would have to wait in the waiting room.

As we walked out my heart was screaming to me to follow them. Jonathan suggested we head down to the cafeteria to eat and pass the time. Sure enough after we were done eating it was already 11:30 am, only thirty minutes left at the least. We walked back up to the waiting room and started watching TV. It seemed we had only been there for five minutes, when I looked up at the clock and noticed it was 12:10pm. 

I heard a soft little whimper and I knew it was my baby. I jumped up and Jon and I walked out and there was Abigail, fast asleep, singing her usual tired sonnets. The nurses told us that she did great and again said what an angel she was. When we got back to the sedation and recovery room I held her once again close to me so she could my heart beat. I wanted her to feel and to hear the love I had for her.

Nurse Danny was giving us the low down of the side effects of the sedative they used. She said that Abs would be tired, listless, and would sleep all day. Danny assured me that Abigail would not be herself until the next morning. Well, Nurse Danny had to leave and another nurse named Peggy came in to take over. 

Nurse Peggy continued to say the same things. And after waiting forever for Abigail to wake up she gave us a little two ounce bottle of sugar water to feed Abby. After the water our daughter was awake and going full throttle. She was kicking her feet and smiling. Instantly she wanted to sit up and play with her toes. Nurse Peggy looked at her and simply said, “Huh, that’s not normal”.

I thought of course it’s not normal, my daughter is exceptional. We were discharged late in the afternoon, and went home with a happy baby. All night, she played, talked and giggled as if she had never been to the hospital at all. I eagerly awaited a phone call from her doctor with the results of the MRI. It wasn’t until the very next day, Friday, May 7^th, that I got the call. It was from Dr. Kathy, the eye doctor.

She said that Abigail had Septo Optic Dysplasia; a disorder that came along with Optic Nerve Hypoplasia. Apparently, there were several areas of her brain there were underdeveloped, and one part, that sends the messages from her brain to her eyes, wasn’t even present. I was told that Abigail would need to see a pediatric neurologist and an endocrinologist. 

The pediatric neurologist is to determine the severity of her blindness and what chances her optic nerves have of developing. The endocrinologist is to follow her through her childhood and watch her growth and development. Children with SOD often have several disorders which causes handicaps and mental disabilities. She also has a chance of getting some form of children’s diabetes that causes her to constantly be sick and not able to go outdoors. We won’t know the extent of everything until those two doctor appointments. Still, the information was twice as hard to take, as when we heard she was blind.

Through all of this Jon and I were praying for a miracle. I was angry with God, because I thought after everything thing I went through, that my children would at least live a normal life. After the first appointment I was angry and after the MRI results I was even angrier. 

Where was our miracle?! Well, last night, as Abigail laughed and played with me, I looked deep into her bright blue eyes and saw her beautiful spirit. I knew right then, that she was our miracle. I know that because of my past, I will have the strength, the compassion and the love to be the mother she needs on this earth. 

My only question I have for God is; what does He see in me to charge me with such a valiant spirit? Only time will answer that for me. For now, I am going to love and cherish Abigail, my miracle.

Our Itty Bitty Life

  A lot is happening right now. We are busy raising our daughter and making a living. Jon is still working full time with Spring Creek and is starting school in the fall! He'll be done as fast as this first year has gone by…too fast! We are pregnant with our second child and are WAY excited! Our little family is certainly growing! 


Here are some pics of Abby and some ultra sound pictures.

Now the New Edition!

ONE OF THOSE DAYS

Today was one of those days, when you sleep in a little too late and your mind is in a haze.

You barely make it out of the room so with feet dragging; you get to work and grab the broom.

The baby starts to fuss, rushing to feed you stub your toe, and your husband’s not surprised you cuss.

He gives you an endearing grin, as you begin to feed, seeming to say smile and lift your chin!

There are errands to run and places to be, but oh so little time and a babe tired and fussy.

Just as you get to your front door, you soon realize, you’ve everything but what you left for.

By now your darling hubby, sadly, has left for work, and you’re doing it all, holding the baby.

You have so much to do, but your little one doesn’t want to do anything, but be with you.

Dishes are piling in your sink, looking around you wonder, “What would my mother think?!”

The kitchen needs swept, while in the fridge, there’s old food your husband insists be kept.

You’ve tried to lay the baby down but she cries, so you have to pick her up and dance her around.

It is five o’clock and nothings been done, so you turn on Oprah and pop corn for soap re-runs.

Another amazing woman is on O and you can’t help but wonder, where in you, did she go?

Frustration is building inside, and dismayed by your lack of work today, you heavily sigh.

Your husband get’s home from a long day, and the house is a mess and your hair is array.

He gives you a gentle peck on your cheek and takes the baby, knowing it’s been a long day, or week.

Going to the messy kitchen to make dinner, you’re sad and discouraged, wishing you’d done better.

While dinner cooks you wash a few things, you pause and stare, upset at the tears your emotions bring.

Oh, Heavenly Father, you softly cry, without you here in my life, I don’t know how I’d get by!

After super you’re ready for bed, but there’s so much left to do, before you rest your head.

With the kitchen neat and tidy, baby and dad asleep, you gratefully slip into your nightie.

You pray once more to God above, sadness weighing you down, not thinking you’ve done enough.

A weight is sitting on your mind and heart; you didn’t fulfill your role, or do your part.

Finally you drift off to sleep and dread the day to come, knowing your chores are head deep.

Someone looks down upon you, and gently says, “My daughter, you’ve done all you should do”.

There was no time to sweep, but watching you love your daughter, caused the heavens to weep.

Over the toilet you had not toiled but holding her and calling her princess, reminded her she is royal.

Your to-do list seemed to you to mock, however her grins and giggles made you forget the clock.

A mother isn’t a maid, or servant woman, sure her duties to clean is plain.

However, your house is number two, for your unlike it, your children will always love you!

Heavenly Father looks down proudly, as he watches you fill your motherly role soundly.

So those days when your hair is greasy and frayed and your chores delayed,

All because your children wanted to play and be with you every second of the day,

Just bring out the toys and play with, love and cherish your little girls and boys.

And when they are all grown and away, you’ll look to heaven and say,

“Heavenly Father, I wish and pray that I could have, again, one of those days.”

By: LeAndra Lee