I have been doing a lot of thinking these last couple of weeks... I know...it's a dangerous thing for me to be doing. I shouldn't work my brain so hard :) 

Abigail's big appointment is just around the corner.  They're going to be poking and prodding her, drawing several vials of blood and strapping her arms, legs, waist and head down to a table. 

I keep telling myself that she has to have this done so we can help her but it doesn't make the feeling of helplessness go away.  Her MRI last year was very hard.  Because I was pregnant I could not  go into the room and Jon stayed with me. It was probably one of the longest hours I have had to endure. 

There is a slue of disabilities she may have, some bad some not so bad. But all time consuming on us and rough on her. Some people understand her disability to an extent and know she will struggle. Others are often too optimistic and seem blinded to her small stature and never ending struggle to get her to eat and sleep.  

The reason Abby has a hard time turning food into power is because her Pituitary Gland is missing. This gland is what is responsible for distributing growth hormones the body needs to develop and the brain needs to function. Abigail's motor skills are quite normal actually.  Her walking and crawling are stunted by lack of confidence due to no sight.  But the frontal lobe of the brain, the part that is separated and affected by Septo Optic Dysplasia (SOD) will affect her ability to learn and grow academically. 

At this appointment the Endocrinologist will be able to determine what type of growth hormone Abby will need and will hopefully help us to know what kind of diet she'll eat. 

The more mothers I talk to who have children with Abby's condition tell me how happy their children are, but also inform me on how hard it is to raise them.  They say they cannot fathom having more children because of how busy they are. The mothers that have older children and their youngest affected say it's not so hard. But the moms whose first baby was born with SOD/ONH and have had other babies tell me it's difficult. Because your oldest child, the one who's suppose to be the most independent, is completely dependent on you, and the younger ones are completely dependent as well. Having only two children I have not seen the blunt of this. 

But as I think of my family and think about having children in the future I wonder if I am trying to take on too much. Jon and I want to do foster care and adopt children, but I would like to have one more baby who is close in age to Bronco and Abigail. The feeling that we have one more family member waiting is pressing on my mind.  I keep having dreams and feelings and emotions that soon we'll be a family of five.  I don't know how this will happen since Jon and I are taking desperate measures to make sure this doesn't happen.  With him not done with school, and us barely scraping by it doesn't make sense to be having another baby. But why is my heart fighting my logic so intensely. I'm for sure not in shape for another pregnancy.

I guess we'll have to see what happens. :)  All I know is that we have a dream of adopting and doing foster care. A dream where we can change lives like mine was changed seven years ago, by the love and compassion of two people who are now my parents. 

We ask that everyone pray for Abby this month.  We need everything to go as well as possible May 25th! :) Thanks for stoppin' by and reading my gibber jabber! Love you all!

xoxoxo (MUAH!)