First Battle of 2012

Well ya'll, many of you know by now that we are expecting baby number 3.  This pregnancy was 100% unexpected and for quite sometime unwanted.  I struggled for weeks with the idea of one more mouth to feed, the fear of having another disabled baby, and yet another strain on my heart, mind and body. Countless nights, I would lay crying in my husband's arms begging him for answers he couldn't give.  Why?  Why? Why? Why another baby, in a time where we have struggled the most in 3 years?

I had never been in a darker place, I prayed nightly for Heavenly Father to take HIS baby back. We couldn't handle this right now, and the further along the pregnancy I got, the more I resented the being growing inside my womb. I would try to be excited, chatting with sisters and friends who were also expecting. Tossing around name ideas, gender guessing games etc. But, at the end of the day, I was left feeling empty and alone.  

Then Tuesday we had the ultra sound. I went in at about 17.5 weeks.  We weren't able to find a sitter for the kiddos and ended up bringing them with us. We had to wake Abby from bed to go, and Bronco missed his nap.  Needless to say they were far from happy and all I could dwell on was adding one more kid to this chaos. An hour went by without our children letting up, and I felt tears begging to fall. 

I couldn't do it, I couldn't be a mother to 3. I said a prayer in my heart, but this time I didn't ask for understanding, I asked for peace. I implored my Father in Heaven to bring peace to my heart, so that it would be open for understanding. Within moments the whole atmosphere in the room changed. I watched Abby quietly listened to music, and Bronco giggling and flirting with the tech, distracting her from her work. And my Mr Lee, lovingly tending to them, as I lay there. I looked at the monitor, and was surprised to feel excitement as I counted 10 little toes and 10 little fingers.  My anticipation started to grow, was it a girl or boy? 

The ultrasound tech, informed us we were having another baby girl.  I watched our new little girl move around, playing with her hands and avoiding the camera at all costs.  We found out I was actually 20 weeks along and due June 15. All the way home I dumbfounded Mr Lee as I excitedly talked about buying a little outfit for our June Bug. 

That night, as I lay in bed feeling my daughter move inside me, I cried silently. This time, because I was ashamed I had ever thought of her as a burden. The pain I felt weeks prior to that day, was now a distant memory, fading even more the closer I got to falling asleep.  Now, I can't even imagine ever not having her soon to be in our lives.  I am grateful to God, for the peace He instilled in my heart, and now pray that he gives me the strength to be the great mother, He obviously thinks I am.